Masturbation and Christianity

As Mark Twain points out in his illustrious tome Letters from the Earth:

Protestant parents still keep the Bible handy in the house, so that the children can study it, and one of the first things the little boys and girls learn is to be righteous and holy and not piss against the wall. They study those passages more than they study any others, except those which incite to masturbation. Those they hunt out and study in private. No Protestant child exists who does not masturbate. That art is the earliest accomplishment his religion confers upon him. Also the earliest her religion confers upon her.

For Roman Catholics, an especially popular passage from the Bible is Genesis 38:

And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother. And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also.

Roman Catholics regard this passage as proof that God strenuously opposes both masturbation, and what they call unnatural intercourse between a man and a woman, and even go so far as to assert that "the Lord took Onan's life because Onan engaged in contraceptive sex."  Which is arrant nonsense. The issue here wasn't the wasted sperm--it was that Onan was specifically supposed to impregnate his brother's wife, and Onan didn't want his brother to have any heirs. If God really did have an issue with men spilling their seed willy-nilly, then God would have said so elsewhere in the Bible, especially in the Torah, and most particularly somewhere in Leviticus.  Yet, this is really all that the Catholics can cum up with.  Leviticus 15 says

...if any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall wash all his flesh in water, and be unclean until the even. And every garment, and every skin, whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be washed with water, and be unclean until the even.

A little bit of wanking is okay.  You just have to wash your clothes and take a bath after.

Now, many Christians will be ready to quote Matthew 5:

whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

In the days before the internet, a lot of masturbation took place without pornography.  Or, perhaps, with some stimulation from the National Geographic magazine. I know that I used to look forward to each month's issue.

Technically, though, it only counts as "adultery" if the woman is married. Still, a strict interpretation of Matthew 5 would apply if you're out girl-watching at the beach. And, a woman has to doll herself up, and cause men to lust after her in their hearts, if she is to have any chance of breeding. At least in the Western World, we have generally moved away from arranged marriages. In Saudi Arabia, where men and women are strictly separated, there is much less opportunity to look at and lust after women. Granted, the Unification Church does arranged marriages, and no lusting occurs until after the nuptials.  And, some Christian women who are quite homely do find husbands:

I'll bet that President Trump keeps his hands off of this pussy. Still, per Matthew 19:

If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.

Why deny a man his pornography, if you aren't going to sell everything that you have and give the money to the poor?


Another popular passage for Christians comes from is 1 Corinthians 7:

It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband...Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

Paul was an asexual, for whom the preferred state was to remain celibate. But, "it is better to marry than to burn." The purpose of having a wife is to avoid fornication, not masturbation. The wife, then, is to serve as a cum dumpster for men who have a hard time with celibacy. And, married couples are supposed to keep up the coitus continuously, only taking a mutually-agreed-upon break for fasting and prayer. Suppose the husband wants some, but the wife is indisposed? To prevent fornication, the wife might make another orifice available, or otherwise assist her husband with administering an ejaculation.